Title: People Skills
Author/pseudonym: R.A. Swain
Fandom: X-Files
Paring: Skinner/Alex/Mulder
Rating: PG-13
Status: 6/25/00
Archive: Yes, please. You have my permission to archive.
E-mail address for feedback: docswain@aol.com
Series/Sequel: No
Other websites:
Disclaimers: The characters are not my property. They are used without permission, and are used for the sole intent of entertainment and not for profit. Note other disclaimers at beginning of story.
Notes: Just a humorous piece that came to mind after a bad day of dealing with people.
Summary: Skinner instructs Alex on his people skills.
Warnings: None.

Disclaimer: The following story contains adult subject matter. If you are under the age of 21 you should not be reading this and it is illegal for you to possess it. If you read beyond this point, you are claiming to be 21 years of age, and that it is legal for you to possess adult oriented material.

This is a sexually oriented work of fiction. If sex between consenting adults, homosexuality or therein is offensive to you, DO NOT READ IT! By reading beyond this point you are accepting homosexuality and adult oriented material willing.

People Skills
by R.A. Swain

Alex Krychek sat licking a chocolate ice cream cone, flanked to his left by Walter Skinner and on his right by Fox Mulder.

"We have to work on your people skills," Skinner said.

Alex licked at the ice cream, and glanced toward Skinner. "Are you talking to me?"

Skinner rolled his eyes. "Amazingly enough, this time I'm not talking to agent Mulder."

"People skills?" Alex asked.

"Yes," Skinner said.

"Why?"

Mulder choked back a laugh. "You just pistol whipped a man."

"He pissed me off." Alex said, resuming his eating.

"He was a clerk in an ice cream store," Mulder said with a sigh.

"And he wasn't doing his job right. I told him chocolate ice cream, sugar cone, and rainbow sprinkles three times, and did he listen? No. If you can't do your job right, you shouldn't do it at all." Alex made his point and bit into the sugar cone.

"Well, you did a very professional job of beating him," Mulder said sarcastically.

"Thank you. I take pride in my work," Alex replied. He licked a stream of chocolate running down the outside of the cone.

"What about the clerk at the 7-Eleven?" Skinner asked.

"Oh come on! He was asking for it," Alex said.

"He was asking to be beaten within an inch of his life?" Skinner asked.

"I asked for a lime slushie. I know he had more syrup in the back, but he just didn't want to go back and get it, so he insisted they were out."

"How did you know the weren't out of lime syrup?" Mulder asked.

"With all of my sources?" Alex countered. "I know when you're thinking of going to pee."

"Albeit," Mulder said uncomfortably, "how could you be sure they weren't out of lime syrup?"

"That's not the point," Skinner interrupted. "The point is, Alex beat up another clerk."

"So you're telling me I can't beat up clerks?" Alex asked.

"Or secretaries," Skinner said.

"Or mechanics," Mulder added.

"Or doctors," Skinner put in.

"Or food servers," Mulder added.

"Or cashiers of any type," Skinner said.

"Or lawyers," Mulder said.

"No lawyers?" Alex asked.

"No." Skinner said firmly.

"Well, if I can't beat up any of those people, who can I beat up?" Alex asked.

"Anyone named Spender," Mulder replied under his breath.

"I heard that Agent Mulder," Skinner said in a reprimanding tone. He looked at Alex. "You will refrain from beating up anyone."

Alex stared at Skinner wide eyed. "You mean just stop beating up people who piss me off?"

"Yes."

"Just like that? Cold turkey?" Alex asked. He was flabbergasted.

"Cold turkey," Skinner replied.

"I can't do it!" Alex shouted. "It's not possible. I can't just stop like that. Can't I just cut back to two or three clerks a week, at first?"

Skinner shook his head. "No."

"Maybe a paperboy?" Alex asked, almost whining.

"No." Skinner said.

"It's not fair," Alex whined. "Mulder still gets to hit people."
Mulder bristled. "I never hit anyone."

"What about me?" Alex asked.

"You're an exception," Mulder said. He looked to Skinner. "Right?"

"Agent Mulder, you will refrain from hitting anyone including Alex," Skinner said. He knew his orders to both men were falling on deaf ears, but someone had to be the mature one.

Alex smiled and finished the last bit of his sugar cone. "That includes Spender," he said to Mulder, before sticking his tongue out at his sometimes lover.

Mulder turned to Skinner. "Did you see that? He's taunting me."

Skinner sighed. "Boys, I expect you both to be on your best behavior from now on."

"Yes sir," Alex said, looking down at his loafers.

"Yes sir," Mulder mumbled, also glancing downward, but looking more toward Alex's crotch.

The three men stood up from their seat on the edge of the ice cream freezer, in the store where Alex had moments ago pistol whipped the clerk.

"I suppose you want me to pay for the cone I took as well?" Alex asked.

"Yes." Skinner said. "And leave a nice tip, since the clerk will probably need a lot of reconstructive surgery."

"I don't have that much," Alex said.

"Just leave the regular fifteen percent," Mulder said. "The service here really wasn't that good."